One thing I haven’t shared a lot with people, and I guess I need to, is that before we made the decision to tell World Relief that we would be willing to go to Haiti, the Lord laid the situation of danger here in Haiti very heavily on my heart. For about 2 weeks I really struggled with the issue of if something would happened to one of us, (and I was really mostly thinking about Tim because I knew of the dangerous conditions he sometimes is in), would I be okay with it? Would I be bitter? Would I be angry at God for leading us here to Haiti? After much prayer and consideration, I really did come to terms with it and felt a peace about being open to going to Haiti and I knew I could trust my family to God.
I have to say, this peace remains. I know God never makes a mistake, I know He is Good and Loving and that through this all His father heart weeps with us as we suffer the hurts of living in an imperfect world where pain and suffering have a very real purpose. I know that He has given the ultimate sacrifice of His son, to one day fix all of the heartache for all those who make the choice to live for Him and to give our lives back to Him. I live for that day. I anticipate with every cell in my body, the joy of having my boys come running to my arms again and to never be separated again. Thank you, Lord, again for the plan of salvation and the grace to endure until that day.
All that said, I still struggle with the here and now of living with a hole in my heart, of missing Gabriel’s smiling face and his energy, of realizing the future dreams and plans of him growing up to be a man, working with his dad, having a family of his own, etc. will never be realized. Adjusting to the new reality we find ourselves in will and has to take some time, but thanks be to God, He has proven himself faithful again and again and I know this adjustment will come. Little by little, the pain won’t be so sharp, memories will not be clouded by tears, and the raw wound of our hearts will heal over with just a scar of experience to remain.
We will get through this by God’s Grace and your prayers for this. I can’t emphasis enough, that we are dependant every day on the prayers of God’s children to lift us up and keep us going. We need them to cushion the arrows that Satan lets fly and to continue to do what needs to be done when you feel like doing absolutely nothing. No one can feel exactly what we are feeling, but everyone can help bear the load by praying.
Thanks so much for doing just that. For weeping with those who weep and praying for the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter each step of the way on this journey of grief. We are blessed.
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